The morning before the news that changed the course of my life.
I drove to work this morning.
Late again…
And I can’t seem to manage to get up earlier.
Maybe I don’t see a point.
Maybe that’s how I’m subconsciously rebelling against the world that’s designed for early risers.
Most of my life, I’ve been a late riser.
With the most energy later in the day.
Or even…
When night falls.
Greatest ideas seem to flow to me after dark.
Usually at midnight.
But yeah…
As I drove, trying to somehow skip the traffic jam and get to work earlier, so I don’t get comments about being late again…
A song came up.
One that has been on my playlist for ages.
And I don’t even remember what it was now.
But I felt like crying.
Longing for a different life.
Feeling miserable about my situation.
For some reason, I feel burnt out.
I wish I could just take a year off.
Holidays seem to give temporary relief.
Something keeps nagging me inside.
Doing my job also feels more difficult most of the time.
And I don’t want to disappoint anyone, but…
Am I disappointing myself?
Is it time to let go?
But is getting another job the solution?
A part of me is afraid that it isn’t.
It’s time to follow my heart.
But I’ve got bills to pay.
Time to try and find some balance.
Maybe full-time remote.
With truly flexible hours.
Because my body can’t seem to bend to anyone’s will right now…
Waking up early for work?
Keep trying, failing mostly.
Is it trying to tell me something?
Is it some sort of depression?
I don’t know…
P.S. As I look back now… At these thoughts I wrote. I understand now. I would’ve taken the leap anyway. Eventually. Or more like… Slowly phased out. But the universe didn’t want me to wait anymore or take it slow. It all had to end. Since I didn’t dare… I was pushed. And for that, I am grateful.
