Oh… How I knew already what was coming. For months before it happened.
Maybe…
Maybe I focused on one thing too much.
Happy to have found a place where I’m appreciated and safe.
But life needs to be more than that.
After all…
It’s just a job.
Even if it’s the closest I’ve had to a proper family…
It’s truly not.
Some people I want to keep close.
Have them in my life.
Our connection goes beyond being colleagues.
I’ve been restless for months.
Seriously considering if I should stay here.
Wondering about many different options.
Is there room for me to grow here?
Truly.
How can I transform my position?
Is this even possible?
Do I need a career?
I probably need to brush up on some skills.
Learn new ones.
Depending on where I want to go.
But ultimately…
Is this line of work still what I want to do at all?
So many questions.
Thoughts.
I hardly opened up about this.
Only talked to two people about how I feel.
But the most important person to figure it all out with…
Is me.
I just know that I’ve been feeling growing pains.
And I need to be very honest with myself.
I no longer fit into this box.
There’s no more room for me to grow.
Something has to change.
It’s also true that I need to take care of other aspects of my life more.
My workplace has been great, but it doesn’t feel enough anymore.
A lot of things don’t bring me joy anymore.
And yet…
I thought I’d be here for years and years to come.
Something within me tells me that I won’t.
Not anymore.
But I don’t know for sure how much longer now.
There’s no plan or goal right now.
I have a vision.
I can imagine how I’d love to live and work in the future.
I just have no clue how it could happen.
And it seems that I’m more or less burnt out.
There’s no mountain of work that is dragging me down.
It’s something else.
I wish I could just take a year off.
Rest and figure out where to next.
But my bank account has other plans.
I guess I’m no longer as invested.
I’m not checked out, but…
It’s like rose-coloured glasses are off now.
I see more than just the good in the company.
And many things have been irritating me lately.
I’m also unhappy about the way some things are…
Not just at the workplace, but how we as a society operate.
I’m not at my best.
I have to admit that.
I can and want to do more.
But it has to be something that ignites that passion within me.
I want and need more control over things.
Being dragged along no longer suits me.
Note: I was afraid to share these feelings with anyone I worked with at the time. And these questions plagued me for months. On and off. I hadn’t fully grasped yet that I needed a change, what I wanted to do next, or what I truly needed to do. But a wake-up call came. Eventually. Just in time. So there was no heartbreak. Not for me. I’ll cherish the good that was. And the gifts I received. But I’ll close the book for good. It’s time to start writing a new one.
